Crisis on Infinite Parodyverses Part 4: Where in Time are we?

Post By ag Wed Jun 21, 2006 at 12:27:18 pm EDT	Subject Crisis on Infinite Parodyverses Part 4: Where in Time are we? Originally All Right. Time to get serious about the PV. Crisis on Infinite Parodyverses Repost Thread	In Reply To ag Wed Jun 21, 2006 at 11:42:25 am EDT

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The first days of Homo sapiens. An early period in Earth history, when mankind first started to walk erect. Most of the humans were still Cro-Magnon and the few Homo sapiens that were around were persecuted for being different.
All mankind was separated into little local tribes. Many of these tribes called themselves after animals they had hunted or observed.
The Beaver People were a quiet, peaceful tribe of humans. Today has been anything but quiet however. Weeks ago the skies turned red, then the storms came. Now, today the tribe stand in fear as a heard of stampeding wooly mammoths charge towards their camp.
“We die! Where is foolish son?” Unt asks.
The pregnant beautiful girl next to him replies, “Ant-throw my husband! He not foolish! He save us!”
Further off the mammoths storm under trees. Ant-throw, the young brunette cave warrior and often in trouble hero lands on the lead animal and pulls at it’s ears, “WHOA! STOP SERPENT NOSES! You must not hurt village! Riianna and father there! Move stupid serpent noses! MOVE!”
With all his might, the thin young hero pulls until the lead mastodon gives to the right. The heard smashes off into the jungle with Ant-throw cheering.
“I did it! I saved Beaver People village! I hero! They will cheer me and…”
TWOCK!
Too busy enjoying his victory Ant-throw didn’t see the tree limb until he smacked his head on it. He crashed to the hard ground and looks up. What he saw made his jaw drop open.
There was a massive gleaming city. Flying little transport ships buzzed around it. It sat in the distance but it was so large simple Ant-throw could see it very clearly. Readers would recognize this city as New Paradopolis, from the Lair Legion of Super Heroes’ time.
“Husband! You did it!” Riianna said as she, Unt, the young boy Danii and the rest of the Beaver People tribe surround him.
When Ant-throw looked back to the city it was gone, “HEY! Where did big village go?” he asked as his wife kissed him on the cheek.
“See? My husband DID save us!” she exclaimed.
“He my son too!” old Unt replied.
Little ten year old Danii looked out at the plains, “But where did the serpent noses go?”

3205 AD, the massive gleaming city of New Paradopolis, where five Legionnaires use their flight rings to soar over the teaming city under the red sky.
Ultra Thunder Boy, Exferno, WildYofire, Heroic Von-el and Shrinking Fern look in many directions.
“This is Heroic Von-el, any one else see her? We’re coming up empty.”
His fellow Legionaries could hear the worry in HV’s voice. It’s been an entire night since his girlfriend and felloe member disappeared.
Visionary 5 spoke up from his spot at LLSH Headquarters, “The search for Shadow Dancer has been postponed HV. We seem to have an emergency on Boaz Boulevard. A heard of mammoths are rampaging!”
“Come again Vishy?” Exferno asked as he tapped his earpiece.
“Did he say mammoths?” Saluu Digme aka Shrinking Fern asked.
On Boaz Boulevard the mammoths charge at a frightening pace. Terrified at their new surroundings they try to plow through anything to get safe. Parked hover cars and holographic street signs crumble at their ancient might.
The Police stand ready in their futuristic uniforms. They aim their laser scopes on their rifles at the oncoming beasts. Their young captain (and girlfriend to LLSH member Golden Elemental), Shoveit Errend raises her arm to give the order to fire.
“Wait!” Phantom Ghost Girl calls out as she phases up from the pavement. “Don’t shoot! We’ll take it from here!”
Triple L splits into her three selves, standing guard in front of the police, “There’s no reason…” “…to kill…” “…innocent animals!” her three selves explain.
Lightning-Hatress flies over the long extinct animals and fires lighting bolts at their heals, “First I’ll scare them to a better direction.”
“My turn!” Chameleon Dragon turns into a mammoth and takes the lead, causing them to follow him.
They head straight for the massive hands of Big-Bird, the colossal boy in the red armor.
Before their amazed eyes the mammoths disappear.
Lightning-Hatress, HappyBouncyElasticLad! and Invisible Archer all hover as Chameleon Dragon turns to his normal shape, “Where did they go?”
Visionary 5 responds from Legion HQ. A stressed Von R Harper and NTU-4000 can be seen in the background trying to put out a fire. “It doesn’t matter! Lightning-Hat needs all Legionaries back to base right now! A strange energy wave of massive quantity and power is close to our universe but I can’t zero in on it. This looks big people!”

Another 3205 AD, in the giant world sized ship of the Guild of the Galactic where the team of rebels discuss their missing member.
“I’m worried Vince.” The large usually jovial Fred 22 said, “Dikki still hasn’t reported in.”
The crystal being known as Vistinex is at the monitor screen, checking his readings. The blue skinned red finned Yo-du is sitting at the meeting table on the left of Fred. She/he responds, “Maybe cute Dikki is to be busy sneaking around uncute Baboons?”
Vince Cosmo stands up and looks out at the large window to the Earth. “No, I don’t think so. I also don’t think she’s been captured either because the tracing device on her comm.-star would allow us to track her. Vistinex do you think it was destroyed?”
The crystal being continues to busily look over tons of incoming data, “Hm? No. It wasn’t destroyed. She just vanished. Now if you could just give me a moment I need to check this.”
“Someone woke up cranky.” Fred 22 responded.
Starsparrow stands by the window looking out. He responds with a cool, disconnected voice, “Our missing team member is fine. We must be more concerned with the current threat to the universe.”
“What threat?” Vince asks.
“This one.” Vistinex responded. He swiveled his chair to face them and pointed to the data on the screen, “Something is approaching this universe and it’s coming in fast.”

The wealthy estate of millionaire banker James Standish. Mr. Standish has made his money legally in his skyscraper office on Carrington but he always stores it here in his home.
The Crying Clown needs money if he’s going to launch his campaign for state senate and this mansion has tons of money. That’s why Mr. Standish is sprawled out on his expensive carpet, dead from lethal crying.
The sad looking clown sobs as he throws the millions of dollars in cash into his bag, “Shame old man. You really need to control your emotions.”
The large glass window shatters as the Dark Knight swings into the room. “At it again Clown? When will you give it up?”
“Why should I? Rich bozo’s like Standish just sit on the cash while a guy like me, poor and decrepit, could really benefit from it!”
The Crying Clown throws something towards the defender of GothemMetropolis York then runs off. The something turns out to be one of his lethal tear gas bombs.
“Not today Clown!” DK responds as he covers his mouth then picks up the bomb and throws it out the window. The time it takes him to do this the Crying Clown has reached the stairs. Before the villain can descend them however a strange shape appears. It’s a man looking terrified. His body seems to be turning older, weaker, like it’s crumbling to dust before their eyes. The Crying Clown recognizes the man from the news and DK knows him from prior meetings.
The Clown is the first to speak, “What? You’re that JBH guy, Swift. Paradopolis is your jurisdiction Swifty. No fair coming here!”
“Shut up Clown! Swift, what’s wrong?” the Dark Knight asked the speedster.
“The Dark Knight? What are you doing here? Never mind! Tell the JBH…” Before Swift could finish, his body dissolves into nothing. The Crying Clown used the distraction to escape, leaving the Dark Knight to ask, “What the &*^%$ is going on here?”

Crisis on Infinite Parodyverses Part 4: Where in Time are we?

The Lurker’s ship, where a strange gathering of very different characters mill around, trying to find out where they are and why.
Access watches the gathered heroes and villains alongside Captain Marbles on an overlooking walkway. No one has noticed them.

[Crisis Pin-Up Poster #5: Gathered heroes at Lurker’s HQ
It is a busy crowd scene. Trickshot has his arrow notched as he eyes Chronic. The Idiom looks around the room for useful tech. King Lui hangs from a machine with one arm as he looks wide eyed at the rest. Shadow Dancer is draped in her cloak while she and the laser gun totting Dikki are eyeing each other suspiciously. Captain Courageous is talking with the Fashion Fairy. Miss Burner is flying overhead in a trail of fire. Aaron is draped in his cloak as he looks at Boy Wonder and Ham-Boy whom are talking. Glory is by Ham-Boy’s side. De Brown Streak is speeding around the large room. Chronic is leaning back looking asleep while Jarvis and Asil (with tiny Fleabot on her shoulder) walk by. The Earth Ranchburger hero known as Dream Catcher crouches on another machine, trying to figure who all these guys are. Nats looks annoyed as Suicide Blonde nibbles his right ear.]

Chronic to the Idiom, "Yeah, I died. Again. I can live with it. I don't need junk food, I don't need sleep, and all living beings seem like ants now. So where's the downside?"
De Brown Streak gets chills as he passes by.
Suicide Blonde to Nats, “Come on lover boy! Let’s sneak off and make love! You’re such a hunk of desire I can’t help myself!”
De Brown Streak gets more chills.
King Lui to Glory, “You there! You’re not a normal canine, are you? Do you know where we are?”
Glory, “No but it’s good to see another animal in this mess!”
Shadow Dancer to Dikki, “I don’t understand why they would need someone from your fake reality.”
Dikki, “Say that one more time and I’ll show you ‘fake!’”
Jarvis to Asil, “Where is the League of Regulars? This makes no sense.”
Fleabot, “Oh boy are you in for a surprise.”
Trickshot to Nats, “We’re the only active Legionnaires here? Crud what have we gotten ourselves into now? Heh. Does Uhuna know she’s doing that?”
While the gathered heroes and villains mingle Humdinger’s many selves merge back into her normal Leeta Trainor form. She’s worn out and slumps to the floor of her private chamber, unaware that one particular self has been corrupted. The shadowy tint begins to spread inside her.
Elsewhere in the Hexagonal spaceship a question is asked.
“Master Lurker what should I do?” Access asks the Lurker as the mysterious man carefully walks towards the platform Access and Captain Marbles was standing on.
“Yes sir, Humdinger told us to not join the others but wait here for you. I’m very curious about the reason I’m here. After all, I’m supposed to be dead in this year. Why am I here?”
“You’re questions will be answered in due time. For now however the two of you must take a trip to the Shattered Worlds. There is much you will be required to do there.”
The duo agrees and vanishes through one of Access’ portals.
The ageing Lurker continues onto to the platform and flies it over the gathered heroes and villains. They start to look up one after the other.
“May I have you’re attention please. I am the Lurker. I had all of you brought here because the Multiverse is in desperate need of you.”
“What if we don’t want to help? It was presumptuous of you to assume I would agree to this after your woman kidnapped me.” the Idiom stated. Some gave her dirty looks.
“I would suggest that you do help me. Everyone here is affected by what I have to show you. Here, watch.”
A hovering view screen suddenly shows a world of beautiful buildings. There is a statue in the center of the city that looks just like De Brown Streak.
“Is that me?”
“It’s the you of an alternate Earth.”
“What’s that big plaid wall?” Shadow Dancer asked.
“It’s trouble, that’s what.” Nats responded, “I’ve seen it before. It eats up entire universes.”
“Yes.” The Lurker continued, “As you can see on that particular universe King Brown Streak and his 1000 strong mutant army try to stop the Plaid Wall of Anti-Story but it doesn’t work. There’s nothing they can do to stop it.”
Most present stare in horror as the Anti-Story destroys everything. Soon all they see is the King as he painfully fades into the plaid. Then the rest of his Earth and finally his universe winks out.
“Well!” DBS says, “At least it wasn’t the real me.”
“That Josh Clement was just as real as you. He only lived in a world where mutants ruled the Earth.”
Dream Catcher spoke up, “Wait, so are you saying that will happen to my Earth too?”
“Your Earth and all the rest.” More screens open up showing more Earths with red skies and terrible weather disasters. Heroes could be seen trying to save innocents.
Earth Ranchburger is shown as Alloy Man, Black Bird, Dr. Amazing and Thunderstorm are in the air trying to stop a plane from crashing.
“That’s my world!” Dream Catcher notes.
Another screen shows Earth Satireverse as another Amazing Guy along with War-350, Thundar and Angelheart are flying near a tornado in their home city.
“That’s the Satireverse. I’ve been there before.” Nats explains.
On the next screen, Earth Swap Sex is shown. Finita Fan Foom, Ms. Jarvis and Daniar can be seen using their powers to hold back a massive tidal wave while possibly fake Valerie rescues children.
“A world where the LOR are women? Bet Finny would hate that.” Jarvis comments to Asil.
Finally, the last screen shows Earth Tricky, where Amazing Guy (Tom Irving), Hatman, Dancer and ManMan start to take off to help the city. The mansion is behind them.
“Wait! Hold the phone! That looks just like my Earth.” Trickshot exclaims, “But that’s not possible! It was destroyed by the Narrator.”
“No Trickshot.” The Lurker explains, “The Hooded Hood misled you. Your world was never destroyed. It still lives! At least it does right now. If this Crisis on Infinite Parodyverses remain unchecked your world and all of the others will be destroyed.”
“I think I speak for all of us Lurker when I say we’ll be glad to help where we can.” Jarvis says.
“No Maid-boy, you don’t.” Chronic protests, “See, we’ve never met. You kicked the bucket before I came on the scene so you wouldn’t know me but Chronic doesn’t dance just because this geezer says so.”
“Shut the &*(^% up pot-breath! Jarvis is right! We’ll do what the Lair Legion always does! We’ll go in there and save the day.” Nats answers, “And if you’re too much of a coward well who needs you?”
“I need him! And you Nats.” Chronic was reaching for Steve but stopped at the Lurker’s tone. “Only by heroes and villains working together, from both sides of the battle, from many times and places, can we hope to prevent this!”
“Not with me.” Trickshot replied, “From what you showed me I could’ve gone home all along! I’ve done by bit for you when I killed Narrator. Now I need a favor from you. I’ve got to get back to my Earth. I never would’ve stayed away if I knew it was still around.”
“Right now I need you elsewhere.” the Lurker replied
“Well &*^%$ you! If you’re not going to send me I’ll ask AG. How do I get off this crate?”
“No! You must listen to him!” Dream Catcher retorted. “My world needs all the help it can get!”
“Yeah Tricky don’t be a putz.” DBS joined in.
“Amazing Guy wouldn’t take you if he knew the Lurker wanted you.” Nats warned.
“A Great Man like Visionary would do it! Cant we just replace Trickshot with Visionary?” Asil offered.
“Same old Asil I see.” Jarvis said to Fleabot.
“What if the old man is lying though? Can we trust him?” Dikki asked.
“I trust him!” Glory wagged but only King Lui and the Lurker knew what she said.
“I’ve worked with him before. He’s legit.” Nats offers.
“But who says you’re legit?” the Idiom asked.
“Heh.” Chronic laughed.
“Don’t mock my boy friend!”
“Suicide Blonde I’m not your…”
“Hey people, listen! I think this is on the up and up.” The Fashion Fairy slipped into her old role as peace keeper to the Valiant Vanguard. “Lets follow him now and if we have any problems we can always voice them later.”
“What if it’s too late then?” Boy Wonder asked. “I don’t like people pulling my strings! We need more info.”
“How about we vote on it?” Ham-Boy offered.
“And waste more time?” Captain Courageous countered. “Let’s just go and do it already. My world was falling apart when I left.”
“This is just &*(^!” Tricky offered.
“Please… listen to me.” The Lurker tried to get control but started to shake. He was very tired and more and more of his power was lost to him. As he started to fall Humdinger was there, holding him up.
She used her power and sent out a bright flash to get everyone’s attention. When they looked up some where surprised to see the Lurker looking so weak.
He continued to speak, “I must go lie down. The strain of holding back the Plaid Wall from your times and worlds is too much sometimes. Leeta please tell them.”
The Lurker leaves while they watch him go. Humdinger can’t help but feel a tiny piece of hate for this father figure. She just wished she knew why.
Aaron of Atlantis watched her, wondering what the evil is within her that he feels.
She continued the explanation, “You will be sent to eras where there are heroes like yourselves. Wherever heroism appears the Plaid Wall tries to come first. You must guard the Vibrational Sporks and fight off any opposition at all cost. The time will come soon enough when all the Sporks will attune to each other, allowing the Lurker to save the universes.”
“Where are we going?” Fleabot asked.
“Not just where, when. Prepare yourselves!” she started to glow.
“Now wait just one…” Trickshot started to protest but in a flash they where scattered through time on two worlds.

On one of those worlds, the one known as Parodyverse Prime, in the town of Starcross, in the bread basket of America, giant futuristic spires rise up like something from a science fiction movie. It’s 2004 and these spires do not belong here in this time yet here they are, standing for all to see.
A ways off we see a massive ship, also from another era.
These things are not time anomalies but instead the result of a man called Wang the Conqueror. Over a year ago he arrived here and made an agreement with this town. His men would spend the many years it would take to construct a Transdimensional Gate and allow Starcross to trade with other universes and worlds. Since construction began almost every corporation has tried to have a piece of the pie. The U.S. government also has taken an interest in the gate. Since it’s on American soil the government proclaims that it’s rightfully theirs.
Right now in an office within the large warehouse set up to store the day to day construction operations, Wang and his love, Courtney Zusten (whom has been given a great deal of responsibility), the mayor of Starcross, General Ellang from the Pentagon and corporate big business tycoon Roni Y. Avis are in a hot debate over the Gate’s future.
“All I’m saying is that as mayor it’s our right to own the Gate. Wang traded with our town, not the government!”
“That’s true. If I wanted to trade with the nation I would’ve arrived in Washington.”
“With all do respect you arrived here because of her! What I’m saying is this is American soil and as such it’s part of this country. It belongs to us. Do I have to call Mister Epitome on this?”
“Call whoever you like General. It’s my Gate and I’ll put it here!”
“Calm down honey. Let’s try to keep things civil.”
“Listen, Wang, Ms. Zusten, Mr. Mayor, I completely understand your plight. If you only agree to these papers and sign here I’ll be glad to resolve the ownership problem in a fine, profitable manner. Believe me, trust me, it’ll all work out for the best. I’ve handled ownership disputes before and I’ve always made it work for the mutual best for all parties. Trust me. Follow me…. Sign here.”
Suddenly one of Wang’s men bursts into the room, “Sir! There’s a problem with the gate!”
“WHAT?” Wang, the mayor, the general and Avis all yell.
Soon they are all gathered around the technician’s console, looking at his screen. The technician explains, “The trail tests have failed, the Chronal Reading Overfinder is coming up blank and the Dimensional Narrowization Downplay is on the fritz. The outside extraplainear interference has cut us completely off.”
“I’m sorry,” Courtney Zusten spoke up, “but what did he just say?”
The soft spoken Wang explained it clearer, “Something from outside this universe is interfering with the Transdimensional Gate. I may be from this century but as you know I’ve traveled to others. I’ve never seen anything in my travels remotely like this! It effectively wont work until whatever this thing it passes us by.”
“Uh sir, it’s not going to pass us by. It’s coming right here!”

Wang, his love and his visitors are on a view screen in the far future.
The 63rd century to be exact, where a giant city built by the greed and power of one man from this century sits where Paradopolis sat centuries ago.
This is a different Wang the Conqueror, one who dresses differently, acts differently and has a completely different history. Among his arsenal is pregnancy guns, time displacing devices and many other wacky things. He has used them again and again to fight his old enemies, the Lair Legion.
“Tell me again what’s going on?” he demands of his underling.
“Sir, time has gone crazy! All our instruments have gone haywire! We’re effectively trapped here!”
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN TRAPPED?”
The servant cowered but replied, “We can’t travel forward or backwards through time. We’re stuck till time is repaired somehow.”
“But I wanted to zap Dancer with my pregnancy gun, cause the entire Legion to be turned into Lego men and start another Round Robin that will only be finished with the timely intervention of the Hooded Hood!”
“Not today. I’m sorry. Maybe next week?”

In another place and time another Wang watches both his namesakes and allows himself a smile under his full mask. “Fool! I’m grateful I was never that particular Wang. Nor was I the other one, in Starcross. But my time HAS finally come! It’s begun. Soon the events will occur that will cause my younger self to walk away from his team and embrace his new life. My life. I could save her but no. It’s been years since my beloved’s death. I’ve come to grips with it. I am neither of these two Wangs but when I’m done I’ll be the most famous. Now however, I will look into her era. To the days before her death.”
The man’s screen shows a purple-red sky and the cityscape of Paradopolis, circa 2004

Lighting flashes under that purple-red sky.
In the apartment of Beth Shellet two women watch the storm with apprehension. One of them is Beth herself. She’s become great friends with the hero known as Goldeneyed. The other is Uhunalura of the Abhumans.
“Do you think the Legion will find them?” Uhuna asked Beth.
“I’m sure Nats and Goldeneyed will turn up sometime. All we can do is have faith.” Beth replied bravely on the outside. She only wished she could be as confident inside, instead of the nervous wreak that she was.
“Thank you Beth. Things get so scary out in the world sometimes I think it would be best if I never left the Great Refuge. I don’t know how Bill does it, living with the knowledge that tomorrow any one of us could be dead?”
“Well, we cant live our lives in fear Uhuna. If we do that then we’re not living at all.”
A flash of strange multicolored light lights up the room through the window.
“What was that?” Uhuna asked.
“Probably lightning. In this weather you never know.”

Outside a portal to someplace else opened up. A boy comes out of it at high speed and crashed to the ground. The portal closed as fast as it opened.
“Ugh. Ouch. I did it! This must be Earth! Crazy Wally was right! Now father, wherever you are I’ll find you!”
The boy is about twelve years of age but he speeds away from the neighborhood at an extreme velocity. Through busy streets and dark alleys he travels. “It’s just like the legends! Earth is very different from home! So many people! And there is no dust storms, no endless sand!”
He stopped in front of the Bean and Donut Cafe. The smell of fresh food drew him in.
Mr. Papadopopolis looked up as the boy entered. He looked stressed. “Fanny there’s another customer for you! Why the heck did Sarah call in! I should’ve said no, come to work anyway.”
The boy sits down at the counter next to a red haired man. Fanny, the waitress, hands him a menu, “Take a look kid. You look starved.”
“I can get anything on here? I… I don’t know what to say. It’s all so good and I’m so hungry.”
The man next to him turns and smiles. Where have you been? You’re famished. Here, I’ll pay for whatever you get. Then when you’re done you can repay me by joining me at the Zero Street Mission. You look like you could use a place to stay. I’ll introduce you to Reverend Mac Fleetwood. He’s a great guy and can help you a lot.”
Something about the man made the boy feel calm and happy.
“Yes, I suppose I could. Thank you Mister?”
“Curtis. Just call me Curtis.”
“Well Curtis I just arrived here and I’m looking for my father. I was named after him. I’m Jon Arnold Swiftman.”
They shake hands.
Another earthquake shakes the diner causing Mr. Papadopopolis to shout “Great! It’s been ten minutes and another quake right on schedule! Fanny! Catch the plates!”

A condo in Dullard’s corner is shaking as well. Soon the quake lets up.
“Darn! I was hoping the condo would sink deeper so we would have to quit Fako’s game.” Kerry Shepardson complained.
“You just don’t like loosing.” Samantha Bonnington, the Fashion Accessory, replied.
“It sucks that all of Dullard’s Corner is in the middle of a black out. I could’ve gotten us some choice games on the web.” Zachary Zelnitz, also known as Hacker Nine moped.
“Why can’t we just go to the library in the city?” Lindy Wilson, Falcon’s kid sister, asked.
“I told you kids already,” Visionary said, “I don’t want you to leave the condo. Ham-Boy, Glory, Asil and Fleabot all disappeared and I just don’t want any of you to vanish too.”
“But why do we have to play monopoly?” Zach asks.
“Because this is the only game that hasn’t melted already?” Samantha answered while doing her nails.
“Yet.” Kerry warned.
“What doest it meanith ‘Go to jail?” Harlagaz Donarson asks.
“Well big guy it means just that. You have to put your little doggie in the jail there.” Lindy explained.
“FORSOOTH! This is wrong to ask a scion of noble Ausgard to submit to such foul trickery! Canst I spite yon board?”
“No please. This is the seventh monopoly set I’ve bought. You’d be surprised how hard it is to pull a wedged monopoly board from the wall. You’re father once..”
The was a nock on the door.
“I’ll get it.” Samantha said as she got up for the door.
When she opened the door she saw a familiar face. “Worm Bait? Wormlad?”
Worm Bait asked, “Hey Samantha want to join us? Boy Wonder has turned up missing. L’il Buttie is calling the team out of retirement to find him.”
“Sorry but no. I’m with the Juniors now.”
“What? Those dweebs? Give me a break! What do those losers have that we don’t?”
“Class. What’s the scoop Sam?” Kerry asks as she approached the door.
“We thought we’d ask our former member to help us look for Boy Wonder but she’s too good for us now.” The girl explained hotly before turning away.
“You know, my sister always stood up for you and you diss her like that. Fine, hang with these dweebs if you want to!” Wormlad shouted at them before following his sister. He started to sprint as his pants caught on fire.
Kerry slammed the door.
As the kids returned to the living room they saw Hallie in her full holographic form talking to Vish.
“So Mumphrey wants the entire Legion to meet and quickly go over the Crisis so far. Are you coming?”
“I’m afraid I can’t. I don’t want to leave the Juniors. Tell them I’m sorry.”
“Will do Vish.” She winks out and winks into the main crisis center of the Lair Legion mansion.
“So how is Visionary? Did he do something stupid again?” Mindy Pyrite asked as Hallie appeared before her. Mindy had tools in her hands as she was just leaving the crisis center to make repairs on the west wing of the mansion. The Birthday Bandit had made some serious damage during the recent battle and she and the two interns were tasked to patch it up.
“Probably. You know that guy, always goofing up something.” Art Corben joined his robotic girlfriend in dissing the Fake Man.
“Hey, Visionary isn’t all bad. He makes us look smart!” Randy Robinson replied as they all three laughed.
Hallie wasn’t laughing however as she snapped at them, “Aren’t you three supposed to be fixing that hole in the wall the Bandit made?”
“Uh, yes ma’am.” They all replied quickly as they left.
“Hallie! Dashing good to have you back! What’s the word on Visionary?” Sir Mumphrey Wilton asked. He was standing in front of the monitor consoles next to the Librarian and Mister Epitome. Al B. Harper was at the controls.
“Vish wants to stand guard over the Juniors. The disappearances have him worried.”
“They have us all worried.” Dancer replied as she sat at another console. dull thud was sitting next to her pigging out on a sack of potato chips, not a care in the world. Dancer however looked very frightened.
“That Visionary is a decent chap. Don’t blame him in the least. Always knew I could count on him for anything. Now everyone here’s the situation. Young Harper be a good chap and put up the tally.”
Al presses a couple of buttons and a large screen is filled with pictures of Yo, Lisa, Trickshot, CrazySugarFreakBoy!, Nats, Goldeneyed, Amazing Guy, spiffy, Asil, Ham-Boy, Glory, Fleabot, Swift, Captain Courageous, De Brown Streak, Fashion Fairy, the Idiom and Suicide Blonde.
“Three villains and the rest heroes?” the Falcon asked from the other side of the room.
“Two villains. De Brown Streak isn’t a bad guy, he’s a political activist.” Dancer reminded him.
“What’s the difference?” Epitome asked.
“~The Idiom is up there too.~” Cressida, the telepathic tapeworm reminded the Star Spangled Splendor.
“I’m perfectly aware of who is on the list.” He snapped back. Obviously the absence of both his ex-girlfriend and his canine partner was getting at him.
“Now Clancy my lad, don’t be chomping at the bit, what? We’d best be acting like a team at this time. We all have someone we care about missing.”
“How did they disappear?” the Manga Shoggoth bubbled.
“Clear as we can tell,” Hatman, Senior Tactical Advisor and Emergency Services Liaison spoke up, “Some of them were captured by villains we’ve never seen before while others were taken by a woman named Humdinger.”
At that cue Al presses another button and a rotating image of Humdinger appears before them. It has stats and paragraphs of information on her.
Hatman continued, “Her name is Humdinger. She can replicate herself, fire powerful energy blasts, fly at light speed and who knows what else. She works for the Lurker.”
The Librarian spoke up, “I know her and the Lurker. They’re good people. If they took the heroes it’s for a good reason.”
“They still should follow procedure.” Epitome countered, “They can not just go around capturing heroes with out giving them a choice.”
“And what if they did give them a choice and they chose to go?” Dancer countered back.
Hatman took over the conversation before it escalated again, “The point is that half the Legion is missing and with the disasters out there we don’t have enough man power to do a proper search. The city wide emergency services are taxed to the limit and that’s true everywhere. We’ve reached our limit.”
Al B. Harper listens to this and thinks to himself, “Maybe it’s time I told them about Yuki?”
A communication signal comes through, showing the Dark Knight’s grim face.
“Legion. I need to meet with Hatman. The Cane Tower. Now.”
“We do not take orders from vigilantes mister.” Epitome sounded off.
“I have information on the Crisis.”
Hatman raised his hands to hush Epitome, “I’ll go. It’s alright.”
“Then I’ll join you.”
Long pause followed by the Dark Knight saying, “Fine.” He then broke the connection.
“Now Clancy no tomfoolery. Don’t be fighting the Knight. We must all pull together now, what?” Mumph warned.

The Epitome Express zoomed out from Lair Island with only two passengers onboard. It was silent for most the trip as it flew over Phantomhawk Memorial Hospital.
Inside the hospital all was not quiet as chaos ruled. People yelled and moaned more and more often. Because the hospital
was being filled with the injured, it was getting to the point it couldn’t hold anymore.
The woman known as Melissa, the widow of the late hero called Jarvis, helped Big Thick Eddie sit down.
“What happened to him?” Nurse Francine DuBois asked Melissa.
“He blocked a wall from falling on me. He’s been hurt pretty bad.”
“Alright. I’ll see if I can get someone to check him in. I’ll be right back.” Francine says as she hurries through the Emergency Room.
"Excuse me, Nurse lady? I've been waiting for an hour. My girl needs attention!" the Purple Sunshine demanded as he pointed to his girlfriend, Mary Jane Holmes. She was sitting down with her head cut and he didn't look to good either. He had tried earlier to heal her with his groovy purple light but that didn't help. That's when he hopped in their van and drove her over here.
“Grace! I need you in the waiting room!” Francine called.
Joe was leaving a hospital room that his friend was in as the alien, Joey Z, stopped him to ask directions. Inside the room, Grace O' Mercy called out, "I'll be right there, Francine!"
She turned to back to her patient, Mr. Chadwick L. Swiss. He was clutching his teddy bear, Jub Jub, and looking at his other friend whom was sitting on the bed. Ronald Arnold Gerrimoto Beeslyhuxtoy was the topic of Chad's concern as he had a bandage wrapped around his head and right arm.
"There you go, Mr. Swiss." Grace said. "Next time try not to risk your life for a teddy bear."
"But, He needed to save him. Besides me & Joe, Jub Jub is his only friend" Ronnie said, as he twitched a bit. "Isn't that right, Jub Jub?" Chad makes the teddy bear nod it's head.
"See?" Ronnie said & pointed.
"Alright." Grace says uncomfortably. "You two are free to go."
"Come on, Chad." Ronald pulls his hamster out of one of his trench coat pockets and starts to talk with Little Cat as he walked into the hall. "Did you finish those jelly beans I had in there you?"
The hamster nodded.
"Good!" Ronnie said and then turned to Chad. "You got your accordion and Jub Jub."
Chad nodded.
"Ok! Let's Rock!"
Chad and Ronnie ran down the hallway.
*DING* went the elevator as it opens. It was at the end of the of the hall and two young woman scantily dressed step out.
"I don't think this is our floor." one said.
"Me, either." said the other.
They turn around and get in back into the elevator.
"Chad, you see that? Know what I'm thinking?" Ronnie says.
Chad nodded with a smile on his face. Both guys run to the elevator and jump in just before the doors close much to the surprise of Jenni and Trudi Wooster. The elevator shakes a bit and then starts moving up taking the two men, the sisters, the wrongly named hamster and the silent teddy bear. Chad hits every button and laughed with glee.
"Greetings, young ladies! For I am Ronald Arnold Gerrimoto Beeslyhuxtoy, you may call me Ronnie. This is my friend, Chadwick L. Swiss, you may call him Chad." Ronnie says and motions to Chad, he bows.
"In his hand in Jub Jub." Ronnie says and Chad makes the teddy bow. "And it's a pleasure to meet you!" The boys chuckle and the girls back closer to the wall.
"Uh, hi! I'm Trudi, this is my sister Jenni."
"Maybe we should've some to visit Honoria tomorrow." Trudi whispers into Jenni’s ear. Jenni nods.
Then the Hospital power went out and the elevator screeched to a halt.
"What was that?" Jenni asked.
"Were stuck!" Ronnie said. He and Chad did a dance of excitement. Chad played his accordion as they danced.
"What are you so happy about? We're trapped!" Trudi pointed out.
"I know. We haven't been stuck in this elevator yet. Now we have!" Ronnie said and then continued to dance.
Jenni with a scared look on her face turned to her sister and said. "Trudi, what should we do now?"
Before she could answer Ronnie asked Trudi "I have a furry little friend in my pants! Want to see him?"
Trudi looked at the ceiling and thought, "Why couldn't we have been stuck in this elevator with that hunk of man meat, Hatman?"
"I guess so." Jenni said and then Ronnie pulled out Little Cat.
"Oh. He's so cute! Can I hold him?" Jenni gushed.
"Sure."

In the next city the very same hero Trudi Wooster wanted was jumping out of the parked Epitome Express.
“Alright guys, no fighting.” Jay Boaz warned the Dark Knight, whom was shrouded in his cloak standing by the edge of the roof, and Mister Epitome, whom was puffed up and ready for a coming confrontation.
“I won’t start anything but if he does, I’ll finish it.” Dominic Clancy, Mister Epitome, threatened.
The moonlight was covered by a large flapping shadow. Fin Fang Foom swept down onto the rooftop, “Don’t be too sure Clancy.”
“Ok what is it you needed to tell me DK?” Hatman asked, trying to keep the men from fighting.
Like a cold voice from the grave the Dark Knight explained, “I tried to reach Amazing Guy but as you know he’s vanished. I decided the Legion should know. I saw the JBHer called Swift tonight. He appeared then started to dissolve before my eyes. You should tell the Legion. It might start happening with the other abducted.”
“Alright we’ll tell.. who the heck?”
All four heroes are shocked as a man in green and white holding a sign that reads “The End is Near” appears in front of them.
“What? Where? Hatman? The Dark Knight? Mister Epitome? Fin Fang Foom? Is it really you? The real ones? From Parodyverse Prime? You’re even legends on my earth!”
“Who are you mister?” Dominic asked.
“My names Soothsayer. You need to listen to me! There isn’t much time! This world is about to end! You’ve got to… wait! Oh no! I’m getting pulled away! No!”
He vanished just as suddenly as he appeared.
“What was that all about?” Finny wondered.
“Whatever it was I suggest we begin a truce between you three. This Crisis looks to be a lot bigger then any of us think.”
“I agree Jay. DK?” Finny asked his old friend.
“Yes. Of course.”
“I’ll agree as well. If any of you hear more about the abducted heroes or villains please let us know.” Epitome asked.
Each hero leaves the roof top just as a tired figure appears. He is Justin Tyme and he cant seem to stay in one time period for more then a second.
“WAIT! COME BACK! HELP ME!” he called out as he vanished again.

Before the leaving heroes could hear him Justin is in the year 2119 AD
He’s been here before. The ruined city scape was Paradopolis, but not the one he grew up in. Instead it’s one of long ago destruction. The city was devastated during the Resolution War roughly a hundred years ago. It hasn’t been rebuilt since. Animals were quickly evolved to beast men and rule the ruined city in packs.
Today something is different as a giant golden Spork reaches to the reddish purple sky. It must be sixty feet tall.
Justin doesn’t have time to do anything but stumble in his delirium as he’s once again whisked away to other times and places.
There’s a thin lone boy, bare chest exposed to the high wind current and ripped blue shorts, climbing the Spork by way of his rope. His long unkempt red hair blows in the wind. He is Namatsi, the Last Boy On Earth.
“I do not know where this strange tower came from but I’m going to find out. Maybe I should ask Ruffuss the Wise if he knows what this is.”
As he climbs hand over hand something dark and sinister phases out of the metal and severs his rope. Namatsi falls for awhile, realizing in panic (and somewhat relief) that his hard life must finally be over.
A different shadow catches him as a blue woman with a Legion Flight Ring holds onto his midsection and gently glides him to one of the many over hanging platforms on the giant Spork.
“By HundDug’s Teeth! Who are you? You’re skin is blue! You’re dressed so strangely! And you flew! I’ve never known anyone who could fly! And even though you’re skin is a different color you’re human like me! I’ve never seen another human. What tribe are you from? Are you a nomad?”
“Kid asks lots of questions, doesn’t he?” Dikki said as she leaned back on the platform against the golden machine.
Namatsi stared at her, “Another one! You’re hair is on fire!” He tries to swap at her head but Shadow Dancer stops him.
“No, that’s how she normally looks. That’s her hair.”
“She has grey skin and you have blue. Are you sisters or from the same tribe?”
“No where not even from the same timeline. My name’s Shadow Dancer and I’m from the future.”
“And I’m Dikki. I’m also from the future. The REAL future.” She says as she glares at Shadow Dancer.
“Now don’t start that again Dikki. We’re supposed to guard the Lurker’s machine. Not fight about who lives in the real 3205 AD. Besides, from my perspective this past never happened.”
“Yeah when are we anyway? Those busted up old buildings look like the early 21st century Paradopolis but Vince never told me it was destroyed. At least it wasn’t until the Baboon invasion.”
“I agree. My teammate Phantom Ghost Girl came here once. Apparently the Resolution War happened in the past and all this occurred. In our histories the War never got this bad.”
Namatsi would have been content to listen to the strange women for awhile except for the strange shadow creatures he saw approaching them. “Excuse me but are those things with you?”
“No but they sure don’t look friendly.” Dikki responded as she started firing her laser pistols at them. The laser fire would shatter the creatures but more took their place.
“Shadow powers? Fine then! No wonder I was picked.” Shadow Dancer gestures and the Dark Farce that she manipulates forms into solid constructs. It smashes the Shadow Demons aside.
As Dark Farce constructs and laser pistols fend off the attack Namatsi just watches with amazement. Nothing like this has ever happened in his life.
A group of Shadow Demons circle the Vibrational Spork. Their goal is to destroy it from the other side. As they move in close there’s a flash of light.
A hero from the year 2023 AD, almost a hundred years in the past of this strange timeline, appears before them.
“What? Where am I?” Grey Wolf wonders as the shadow creatures approach.
He wastes no time as he pulls an arrow out of his quiver, notches it and fires. It shatters a Shadow Demon’s head. He grabs more arrows and lets them fly, destroying more creatures.
“I don’t understand what’s going on.” He thinks, “but I feel like I need to guard this machine. I’ll just keep at it until I have nothing left to fight with!”
Humdinger watches this from her vantage point just outside the city.

She’s also aboard the Lurker’s ship walking down a corridor. Her master can be heard speaking through the intercom. “Leeta please bring me little Greg Dean.”
“Yes master. I’m on my way there now.” She replied. She then thought to herself, “Oh master, if only I could tell you how I feel. Something inside me is filling me with anger. I want to kill you. This isn’t right. What’s happening to me?”
Her mouth drops open as she sees little Greg Dean. Where a baby should be sleeping instead she sees a ten year old boy.
His body is filled with stars.

Next up, Chronic and Aaron in Ancient Atlantis! The JBH and New Battlers in modern Paradopolis! Access and Captain Marbles in the Shattered Worlds! De Brown Streak and Captain Courageous in World War II! Trickshot and Dream Catcher in the Old West! Glory and King Lui in Ancient Egypt! Plus the Lair Legion of Super Heroes, the World Guardians, Badlash, Jonah Burch, Sgt. Drury and his Howling Commandos of Sleazy Company, the Haunted Jeep, Weed Writchards and his three fellow lost explorers, Tom Irving, Soothsayer and many more! Another one of my long time characters dies for good. And finally, as promised last time, the TRUTH about the Cowled Criminal!

It’s a dead man’s Footnotes, who could ask for more?

DEAD EARTH NOTE:
Earth Mutant Rule (Destroyed in Crisis)
King Brown Streak ruled Mutantopolis with his Mutant Law Police. At least he did before they all died.

SHOW THEM YOUR WANG NOTE:
Posters Andy, Bill and I disagree on the nature of Wang the Conqueror. But this is the Parodyverse and I believe there’s room for as many Wangs as possible. So in this story we see three Wangs from three different eras and origins.

TOO MUCH INFORMATION NOTE:
I could go into the many characters who appear in this part, from Grace the Night Nurse to the Junior Lair Legion to the remaining Lair Legion members to the support staff and friends to Swift and the son he doesn’t know about to Grey Wolf to Chad and Ronnie’s reappearance in the Parodyverse to the return of Namatsi, the Last Boy On Earth, but I’m lazy and that would be two more pages of footnotes. Some of this stuff will be covered later, some of it you know and such.

THANK YE BRIAN, ADAM & MIKE NOTE:
A big thanks to these guys for the advice on their characters. Also, thank you Brian for the changes to the Phantomhawk scenes. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen Chad and Ronnie.
Brian (L!) wanted me to mention that you should watch for his special Chad/Ronnie meet the Night Nurse story coming soon. It takes place before this.

THE CRISIS BEFORE THE CRISIS NOTE:
One thing I should say, however, is the Crisis happens before Ian’s Untold epic where the support staff was killed. So they’re still alive.

WHO WERE ALL THOSE PEOPLE NOTE:
You can find a lot of the characters in Who's Who in the Parodyverse? v12.4 @26th June 04

This story is written and copyrighted (C) 2004 by Scott Bryan (also known as AG), and may not be
reprinted without permission. Annabelle, Roland, Anthony Foresight, Amazing Guy, Justin Time, Jack Rabbit, Jackie Rabbit, Desert Rose, Eli the Elemental, Kid Produce, Scott Brunsen, Tom Irving, the JBH and the Amazing Bunch all are properties of Scott Bryan and AG.

a.g.
Amazing Guy

Scott’s Site! Featuring Caption the Pic (where action figures talk!) and Amazing Tales on the Web (stories and micros of the Parodyverse!).

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